Why Be Vulnerable?

WE ARE OFTEN TAUGHT THAT BEING TRANSPARENT, BEING OPEN IS A NO NO. WE ARE OFTEN TOLD NOT TO SHOW OUR FEELINGS, NOT TO LET OTHERS SEE YOU CRY BECAUSE; TEARS ARE A SIGN OF WEAKNESS. DON’T LET THEM SEE YOU WEAK. IF THEY SEE YOU WEAK THEN YOU ARE DEFEATED AND THEY HAVE THE UPPER HAND BECAUSE YOU APPEAR WEAK! SIGH. YES I’VE BEEN TOLD TO GET IT TOGETHER AND DON’T LET THEM SEE YOU EMOTIONAL. AND WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT? WHEN YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT THIS GROWING UP, THEN YOU PROGRAM IT INTO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS, LEAVING THE MARK THAT SHOWING EMOTIONS IS WEAK. OH, HOW WE’VE BEEN DECEIVED. SO AM I TO BE A ROBOT AND NOT FEEL? AM I TO SHOW NO EMOTIONS SO THAT I CAN BE VICTORIOUS? DON’T SHOW ANY TYPE OF EMOTION, BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR HEART.

SHORTLY BEFORE MY MOM PASSED FROM THIS PHYSICAL REALM, MY MOM SAID TO ME, “APRIL, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I HAD TO PROTECT YOUR HEART.” I WILL NEVER FORGET HER TELLING ME THIS BECAUSE IT SPEAKS VOLUMES TO ME. I AM A LOVER, I AM A GIVER, I AM A HEALER. WHENEVER I AM AROUND PEOPLE I AM PASSIONATE TO DO WHATEVER TO SEE THEM HAPPY: IT IS WHETHER I KNOW THEM OR NOT. MY MOM WAS THE SAME. I LEARNED FROM HER AND HER BEHAVIOR AROUND PEOPLE. I WATCHED HER AND HER AURA GIVE PEOPLE GENUINE SMILES BECAUSE SHE GENUINELY CARED ABOUT PEOPLE. MY MOM, HOWEVER, WOULD NOT LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER VERY NON-TRADITIONAL, UNIQUE KINDNESS. SHE WOULD TELL OTHERS HER TRUTH, WITH NO HESITATION TO SPEAK UP. SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW THAT SHE IS GOING TO SPEAK HER MIND NO MATTER WHAT. I HAVE ALWAYS LEARNED HOW STRONG MY MOM WAS. BUT THERE ARE TIMES THAT I WOULD CATCH HER IN HER MOMENTS OF EMOTIONS/FEELINGS. I WOULD FIND HER IN HER ROOM CRYING. HER DAD WAS MURDERED WHEN SHE WAS ONLY 16 YEARS OLD. AND I NEVER KNEW UNTIL I BECAME AN ADULT IN MY 30S HOW MUCH THAT IMPACTED HER ENTIRE LIFE. AS A TEENAGER, SHE LOST HER DAD WHO SHE ADMIRED AND LOOKED UP TO. SHE WAS DEFINITELY A DADDY’S GIRL. AND SHE WAS SO HAPPY TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER DAD. AND AS I WOULD SOMETIMES POP INTO MY MOM’S BEDROOM AT HOME, I WOULD CATCH HER SOMETIMES IN TEARS, GRIEVING, PROBABLY MISSING HER DAD DEARLY.

THAT WAS VERY RARE, SEEING HER IN TEARS. WHEN I OFFICIALLY DIVORCED, IT TOOK A TOLL ON ME. I BROKE DOWN IN TEARS, IN FRONT OF MY MOM. I COULDN’T TAKE IT. I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND AT THE TIME HOW THE WORLD COULD BE SO CRUEL. I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY THE FIGHTING, WHEN THERE IS JUST NO RECONCILING A RELATIONSHIP THAT REALLY DIDN’T HAVE MUCH LIFE TO IT. I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE HAD TO END UP IN COURT OVER SIMPLE SHIT THAT WAS NOT IMPORTANT. I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND HOW I ENDED UP IN THIS SITUATION. MY MOM HAS NEVER SEEN ME BREAK DOWN INTO SUCH A FLOOD OF EMOTIONS AS THE TEARS JUST POURED DOWN MY FACE. SHE CRIED A BIT. I REMEMBER HER CRYING A BIT. AND I FELT LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE I RARELY SAW MY MOM CRY. HERE WAS THIS STRONG, INCREDIBLE WOMAN THAT WENT THROUGH GREAT TRIALS, AND TRAUMAS, ALL THE WHILE TAKING CARE OF HER DAUGHTER AND SON AS A SINGLE MOM. AND I ADMIRED THAT STRENGTH. YET I WONDERED IF MY MOM WAS SO STRONG THAT SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO CRY OR FEEL ANY LONGER. WE ARE NOT REALLY TAUGHT HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE LIFE EXPERIENCES WHEN THEY HAPPEN UNEXPECTEDLY AND SO SUDDENLY. WE ARE ONLY TAUGHT TO JUST BE STRONG, PUSH THROUGH, YOU CAN DO IT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.

AND WHEN MY MOM HAD SAID TO ME, “APRIL I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD TO PROTECT YOUR HEART,” SHE WAS SAYING THIS BECAUSE I WAS SO DEVASTATED ABOUT MY DIVORCE. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO BECAUSE I FELT SO ALONE. MY MOM HAD DIVORCED AND SHE WAS A MUCH HEALTHIER, HAPPIER PERSON AFTERWARDS. HOWEVER, I DIDN’T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME. I DIDN’T WANT TO REPEAT THE PATTERN. AND SO I FELT LIKE A FAILURE WHEN IT DID HAPPEN TO ME. AND I FELT LIKE A FAILURE WHEN MY MOM SAW ME CRYING, FULL OF EMOTIONS, BREAKING DOWN. I KNEW SHE SAW HER LITTLE DAUGHTER CRYING OUT FOR HELP AND I KNEW IT REALLY GOT TO HER. I BELIEVE IT IS PART OF THE REASON SHE IS NO LONGER PHYSICALLY HERE WITH ME. AND I FELT SOME GUILT FOR THAT (THAT IS ANOTHER TOPIC FOR ANOTHER BLOG ENTRY TO COME SOON). I DIDN’T WANT TO LET HER DOWN. SO I TRIED TO HARD NOT TO CRY DURING THE STAGES OF THIS DIVORCE PROCESS. I WAS SO LOST AND DIDN’T KNOW WHERE TO TURN, HOW TO COPE, AND HOW TO LIVE WITH THIS NEW LIFESTYLE. SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE. SHE WOULD CALL ME AND CHECK ON ME. MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT SHE DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT MY GETTING MARRIED TO THE PERSON I MARRIED. SHE WOULD SAY THIS AND I DIDN’T TELL HER THE PROBLEMS I WAS HAVING BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT HER TO WORRY ABOUT ANOTHER SITUATION. MY BROTHER WAS A SITUATION. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS A SITUATION. AND SHE WAS DEALING WITH ALL OF THIS, ALL WHILE TRYING TO FINALLY LIVE HER LIFE AFTER RETIREMENT. SO I DIDN’T WANT TO BURDEN HER WITH MY OWN STRUGGLES AND CHALLENGES. WHEN I FINALLY EXPRESSED TO HER WHAT WAS GOING ON, I JUST MELTED IN TEARS.

THERE WAS SO MUCH LOVE IN HER HEART AND SHE SACRIFICED SO MUCH OF HERSELF FOR HER OWN CHILDREN AND FOR HER OWN MOTHER. AND I BECAME MORE VULNERABLE WHEN SHARING WITH HER MY TRUE FEELINGS. I JUST BROKE DOWN AND BEGIN CRYING. AND MY MOM WOULD TELL ME TO BE STRONG. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE STRONG AT THE TIME. I JUST WANTED TO CRY AND CRY SOME MORE. THIS WAS A PART OF MY BEING VULNERABLE, YET IT FELT AS IF I LET HER DOWN BECAUSE I BROKE DOWN IN TEARS. SO HERE I AM TELLING MYSELF TO STOP CRYING. THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE. I WOULD TELL MYSELF TO NOT FEEL, TO NOT GIVE IN TO THE FEELINGS. YET OUR VULNERABILITY IS WHAT STRENGTHENS US AND GIVES US THE WISDOM TO GROW AND EVOLVE. WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IS TO LISTEN TO MY OWN INNER STRENGTH AND WISDOM.

MY VULNERABILITY GIVES ME MY VOICE TO SPEAK IN TRUTH AND IN LOVE. MY VULNERABILITY ALLOWS ME THE FREEDOM TO EXPRESS WHO I AM AND SURRENDER TO WHAT THE UNIVERSE OFFERS, GENUINELY. WHY BE VULNERABLE? BECAUSE BEING VULNERABLE RELEASES YOU FROM THE BURDENS OF FEAR. BEING VULNERABLE INVITES YOU TO PEACEFULLY FORGIVE YOURSELF, HEAL YOUR SOUL, AND BECOME MORE IN TUNE WITH YOUR OWN INNER BEING. DO NOT LET OTHERS INFLUENCE YOUR PERSPECTIVES ON VULNERABILITY. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO THINK NEGATIVELY OF BEING VULNERABLE. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO OPEN YOURSELF UP TO EXPRESS. YOU ARE MORE THAN WORTHY TO BE TRANSPARENT SO THAT OTHERS CAN BE INSPIRED BY YOUR BEING OPEN TO FEEL. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. YOU MATTER AND YOU HAVE A STORY THAT CAN HELP OTHERS. KNOW THAT, FEEL THAT, BELIEVE THAT, AND BE CONFIDENT IN THAT.

IT IS OKAY TO BE VULNERABLE.